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The Top Ten Softest Net Artists in the Game
Above image via
Everybody knows and loves the fake Ghostface Killah blog where the author annually lists the “Top Ten Softest Rappers in the Game.” While the rap game is certainly tough, it pales in comparison to the dark underbelly of the internet art community. When net artists leave the safety of the web, they get drunk, take copious amounts of drugs, get into fights, and fuck each others’ girlfriends and boyfriends like it’s a Bret Easton Ellis novel. So, to pay tribute to whoever writes that brilliant Ghostface blog, and to illuminate some of the politics of the net art world to the general public (who likes paintings and/or ceramics), I present to you: 
Top Ten Softest Net Artists in the Game 

Image via 

10. Jogging
The Jogging’s Tumblr is like some indoor kid’s delusional projection fantasy about what sports probably feel like. Besides that, it’s filled with images of zebras wearing pizzas, Crocs, houseplants, and mirrors. Even its name is like the softest exercise that somebody can do besides a 3K Fun Run/Walk. The people who run it have names that look like the guest list for a screening of The Graduate on Tommy Fucking Hilfiger’s yacht: Artie and Brad and Haley and Jesse and Joshua and Lauren and Norm and Rachel and Spencer.

Image via
09. Brenna Murphy
Murphy’s also in this batshit crazy noise project called MSHR with Birch Cooper, and that shit isn’t soft at all, which is why she’s only at #9. Her weird three-dimensional digital collages and shit are totally psychedelic, but they still feel like a book of my aunt’s wallpaper samples fed through a seapunk filter that I’m checking out while trying to get laid in Second Life. I do like to look at her work because it makes me feel like I’m on drugs, but it’s like I’m on drugs that make me soft (weed, psychedelics) not drugs that make me hard (coke, Beezin’). 

Image via Andrew Birk’s Facebook account 
08. Andrew Birk + Debora Delmar Corp 
I don’t even think these two motherfuckers count as net artists because Birk paints and Delmar is a corporation, but it’s like I look at Facebook for about two seconds and suddenly I’m the third in their relationship. Do they live in Mexico City? Paris? Brussels? Nobody fucking knows because it’s just an unending slideshow of travel pics which are 100% the softest kind of pics that exist. The hardest pics are obviously selfies, doge, and that stoner alpaca.

Image via Opening Ceremony 
07. Jeanette Hayes
If there’s anything softer than Anime, it’s art history. In Hayes’ work, these two ostensibly disparate worlds collide and it’s even less brutal than that Powerman 5000 song (I’m saying that they’re not a very tough heavy metal band). Don’t get me wrong, I like Jeanette Hayes personally. But if I were in a burning building on the tenth floor and had to leap out of the window, I’d pray to the heavens that there was a pile of her paintings to land on in the street below (I’m saying that her paintings are soft and I’d be safer if I landed on them). 

Twombly Lives, 2014
tweet + paparazzi photo + image metadata

Goodbye Cy, 2014
in memoriam

Sean J Patrick Carney Holds a Crabcake, Does a Popper, and Touches a Rat for the First Time Ever on the 4th of July, 2014 While Listening to the Eagles

Kim Gordon and Raymond Pettibon Are Fucking Depressing
In my latest piece for VICE, I went to see artist Raymond Pettibon and Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon in conversation at Strand Books and it was the most boring thing I’d ever seen in my life :(

(Source: greendayidiotinlovewithparamore, via jaysonscottmusson)

What is the Most Extreme Animal Ever? | VICE United States

Check out my latest article for VICE.

I interviewed Jacob Ciocci (Paper Rad) and David Wightman (DJ George Constanza) of EXTREME ANIMALS about the band’s history and their new DVD "The Urgency." They played a show in Bushwick at Silent Barn last week that ripped off my face. 

(Source: televandalist, via apocalypanties)


Selfies at work no homo


When your crush tells a joke

(Source: vinebox, via slutgarden)


we should go to cinderella on broadway, 2014
Dorito Dust on Paper

Hey Tumblr pals, I’m having an art opening tonight in NYC at Salon 94 Bowery from 6-8pm. It’s at 243 Bowery. If you’re in the city please stop by. ✌️
Did you know that I am part of a nine-person, artist-run gallery in New York’s Lower East Side called Essex Flowers? We have flowers. We have art. It’s insane. 
Today, we got a lovely little write-up from KALEIDOSCOPE Magazine! Check out the piece here. 
We’re also doing the NADA Fair this weekend - come by and say hi!